Does God Care?
by Rosie Schrock
It was a beautiful summer evening. A fire was crackling in the outdoor fireplace. I was surrounded by friends dear to me who were in discussion of the ins and outs of normal life and how to make it glorifying to God.
Then, the conversation turned and went that direction. Once again, I wondered if I would ever not hurt and feel sad when my friends discussed pregnancy and childbirth. It was no fault of their own that their bodies functioned normally and mine did not.
I am infertile.
It is a stark, harsh word.
It is more than not being able to reproduce. It means a loss of dreams and hopes. It means not fitting into lots of conversations around fires, tables, and quilts. It means lots of tears and asking God why. It means doctor visits and a loss of privacy in your intimate life. It means rejoicing with those who rejoice while you are inwardly crying. It is a journey and a hard one. I wondered, “Does God even care?”
I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 15. In the years following there were hormone issues and doctor visits. I wondered what the future might hold.
At the age of 24, the man of my dreams asked me to marry him. We discussed life and our future together. I was honest and open with him and told him that life may not happen how we hoped when it came to children joining our family. He still thought I was the girl he wanted to marry.
So, into marriage we went with hopes and dreams and our lives before us.
One year passed. I thought surely God would answer our prayers eventually. Two years came and went. And then our third anniversary was gone as well. Life was busy and we were happy. But there was a sadness there as well. People married after us were now cuddling their first newborn, and I wondered if that would ever be us. I was beginning to shy away from social functions, especially ones where babies and pregnancy talk were in abundance.
Month after month the hopes were dashed. The cramps would start and I would cry again. There were days of anger, bitterness, and frustrations. Why didn’t God answer my desperate prayers? I knew he could fulfill my desires to be a mom if He would only do so. Did he even care that I wanted to be a mom? The agony was deep.
Yet, God was working in me. He was showing me that I needed to be content right in the circumstances I was fighting against. He was showing me that I need to reach out to others in the hard things they were facing. I needed to be willing to forgive the insensitive questions and remarks people made, which usually were not intended to be mean or spiteful.
He was also showing me (us) that maybe biological children was not what he intended for us. Sometime in our 3rd year of marriage, we made some decisions. We did a little doctoring, but did not have peace about pursuing that in-depth. (Everyone’s journey is different and everyone needs to do what they feel God is leading them to.)
We decided to start the adoption process.
God has blessed us with 2 beautiful children. I would love to tell you about the complexities, beauty, and heartaches of adoption, and about meeting my babies for the first time, but that is for another day.
So did God answer my prayers? Yes, in the way he saw best for me.
I am a mother. I am grateful for the path God led us on. God taught me many things in those five years without children. He is still working. Infertility is not easy, and there are still days that I would love to experience my baby kicking on the inside or the wonder of birthing a baby. But God has asked me to trust that His ways are higher than my ways. When I look into the trusting eyes of the children He has entrusted to me, I know that I am right where I am supposed to be.
I do ask that you be grateful for the children God has entrusted to your care as well. Your neighbor may be longing and dreaming of the day she can have a baby to call her very own. I also beg of you to be sensitive with your comments. Relaxing and adopting do not mean you will get pregnant. That is in the hands of an Almighty God.
And I will, by the grace of God, not be judgmental of your complaints of pregnancy and all that goes with it. May we each remember of the other that God is teaching us lessons in the experiences He is sending our way, and it is our job to extend grace.
My question to you is this: “Does God care about the path you are on?”
The answer is, yes, He does!
I am Rosie Schrock and I hail from the northwoods of WI. I love coffee, long summer days, and flower beds. Heart to heart chats with friends are high on the love list as well. I am mom to 2 energetic children, who God so generously gave to me thru the miracle of adoption, and I am married to the man who keeps us all grounded. I always like to connect with people whose lives have been touched by infertility or adoption. You can find me on Instagram @ luvbeingmum84.